Friday, April 08, 2005

We had a graduation party for "Warren" last night. He's completed his 28 days. I'm proud of him and think he might just be clean for good. 13th time is going to be a charm. I can feel it.

Sheryl Anne made a cake for the occasion. It was the best cake I've ever had. She gave "Warren" a big hug and told him one last time how much she believed in him.

I can't wait for my hug. She has great smelling hair. I know, because one time I smelled it when she wasn't looking. We were talking in the hallway and she dropped her pencil and we both bent down to pick it up and for a brief moment her hair dangled in my face. It smelled awesome. Like the most expensive high-end shampoo.

"Tony" took "Warren's" departure the hardest. "Warren" was always the best at listening to his endless childhood dog stories. "Tony" spent most of the party sitting alone on the sofa in his bunny suit nibbling on veggie sticks. I felt sorry for him because even though his childhood dog stories are boring, he's a grown man in a bunny suit and that's kinda sad. So I joined him on the sofa.

"How's it going, Tony?" I asked.

"Okay," he said. "Just thinking about Buster. You know, one time we were walking behind my grandpa's farm and we came upon this injured crow in our path. Both its wings looked broken. Of course you'd think Buster would have gone after it, you know, being a dog and all. But you know, he didn't. Instead he just, you know, looked at it like he was concerned. Then--"

"Hey, bros," Pat O'Brien said, joining us. "'Flo' is giving me all kind of signals tonight."

"Tony' is in a middle of a story, Pat," I said.

"I am so in there."

"Pat, let him finish his story."

"My bad, bro," Pat said. "Finish your story, Bunny Man."

"So, you know, you'd think Buster would try to eat the defenseless crow," Tony continued, "because he's a dog and all, but he didn't. He was a wonderful animal. But then all of a sudden -"

"A snake came out of nowhere and devoured the bird!" Pat said.

"No, that's not what happened," Tony said.

"And then Buster wrestled with the snake!"

"No, they didn't wres-"

"And then they rolled over a ledge and fell down into the deep canyon and exploded!"

"No."

"And then Barbi Benton and Adrienne Barbeau showed up in form-fitting rescue team suits and comforted you!"

"No, Pat," "Tony" said, "it wasn't like that at all."

"Well, what happened then?" Pat O'Brien asked.

"Well," "Tony" answered. "just as I was about to try and save it, my grandpa showed up with his shotgun and he shot the crow to put it out of its misery."

"That must have been hard to see, 'Tony'" I said.

"It was awful," he said. "I still remember the look in Buster's eyes. He was so confused."

"Well, I like my version better," Pat O'Brien said. "Nothing like rescue team babes. I once interviewed Adrienne Barbeau. I say she still has the best set of mamms in the business."

"Tony" and I just sat there looking at him.

"Now, if you excuse me guys," Pat O'Brien said, rising from his seat. "I gotta go masturbate."

And then "Tony" buried his face in his bunny paws and cried.

8 Comments:

Blogger scrmom said...

Poor "Tony"

7:27 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

tony reminds me of my dad and his 'nam/australia' stories. sad. berry sad.

10:53 AM  
Blogger BADGE said...

Come on...we all know the real Pat O'Brien wouldn't excuse himself to masturbate.

10:55 AM  
Blogger CapeCat said...

oh god help us. what is going to happen when Pat's 28 days are up. I need this blog to survive.

Adam, put some demerol in his punch would ya. make him stay.

xo cape cat.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Ontario Emperor said...

After he gets out, he goes on the interview trail for a while. Then the blog name becomes "I'm Stuck on a Press Tour with Pat O'Brien."

I was LOL at the last line of the post.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

28 days. Is that all there is? Do famous people actually stay the full 28 days?

11:41 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

i second michael's post and capecats post, although my guess is obrien will fuck up and earn himself a few extra days in rehab.

this is the best and only good thing to happen to me all day.

11:26 PM  
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9:13 AM  

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