To no one's surprise, Joaquin Phoenix has checked in. The last thing this rehab center needs is another troubled celebrity, but whatever, I'll live. I liked him okay enough in Gladiator. And as actors with cleft lips go, he's tops. By far. Here's hoping he can play volleyball.

He seems a little odd, though. Kind of a brooder. Plus his appearance is a bit unsettling. He's grown his hair out and he has a big bushy beard. You can barely recognize him. Doesn't help that he wears a giant parka made from caribou wherever he goes. He says he's preparing for a role in a remake of Nanook of the North.

"Bruckheimer is producing it," he told me. "I'm going to be the next Nic Cage. I slept with Lisa Marie Presley last Thursday. Things are rolling."

"Yeah, but you're in rehab," I pointed out.

"Oh, this is just for research," he said. "The Inuit are notorious drunks. I'm not, but they are. Yeah, this is all for the film. Alcoholic? Nope, not me. I'm just pretending to be an alcoholic because I'm pretending to be Nanook. Bruckheimer is producing. Shamu might play the whale. But I don't have a drinking problem. Just doing research here. Simple as that. Yep."

And then Joaquin Phoenix buried his face in his seal-skin mittens and cried.