Friday, April 15, 2005

To no one's surprise, Joaquin Phoenix has checked in. The last thing this rehab center needs is another troubled celebrity, but whatever, I'll live. I liked him okay enough in Gladiator. And as actors with cleft lips go, he's tops. By far. Here's hoping he can play volleyball.

He seems a little odd, though. Kind of a brooder. Plus his appearance is a bit unsettling. He's grown his hair out and he has a big bushy beard. You can barely recognize him. Doesn't help that he wears a giant parka made from caribou wherever he goes. He says he's preparing for a role in a remake of Nanook of the North.

"Bruckheimer is producing it," he told me. "I'm going to be the next Nic Cage. I slept with Lisa Marie Presley last Thursday. Things are rolling."

"Yeah, but you're in rehab," I pointed out.

"Oh, this is just for research," he said. "The Inuit are notorious drunks. I'm not, but they are. Yeah, this is all for the film. Alcoholic? Nope, not me. I'm just pretending to be an alcoholic because I'm pretending to be Nanook. Bruckheimer is producing. Shamu might play the whale. But I don't have a drinking problem. Just doing research here. Simple as that. Yep."

And then Joaquin Phoenix buried his face in his seal-skin mittens and cried.

17 Comments:

Blogger www.tobyweiss.com said...

Sir, you ARE a comic genius. But the highest compliment is obviously that you're funnier than "Night Court." You have brought me so much happiness in the last month, a. And I pray to the Celebrity Gods that Liza needs a return trip to rehab so - much like on "Arrested Development" - she can make stellar cameos right here.

5:27 AM  
Blogger www.tobyweiss.com said...

Sir, you ARE a comic genius. But the highest compliment is obviously that you're funnier than "Night Court." You have brought me so much happiness in the last month. And I pray to the Celebrity Gods that Liza needs a return trip to rehab so - much like on "Arrested Development" - she can make stellar cameos right here.

5:28 AM  
Blogger Dad22 said...

Hmm. What are the odds that Pat O. will mistake Joaquin as an Eskimo. Looking forward to it.

6:17 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

I can't wait for Pat to call him "River." That ought to be good for a week's worth of Group.

6:56 AM  
Blogger winifred said...

Before River's passing, Joaquin's name was Leaf. Seriously. But for the love of God, don't tell Pat O'Brien!

7:05 AM  
Blogger ImbecileColin said...

My heart goes out to Joaquin. Bless him. I wonder what sort of horrors he had to endure in Folsom Prison to study Johnny Cash. hmmmmm. Let's hope he can walk the line and his rehab stop be a short one. His future in this business is bright. I mean he's spent time with Mel Gibson. How many of us can say that?

8:08 AM  
Blogger scrmom said...

Hoe ironic, Nanook...Bad Eskimo dreams...I think Adam will have to save pat from Joaquin, more than once. There should be lots of tears!!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Neil said...

I must concur; this blog is genius. Just don't stop. I always get a good laugh. Love it!

1:14 PM  
Blogger jezebel j. said...

YEEEESSS!!!

1:54 PM  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Tell Pat that knowledge is power.
www.itk.ca

4:26 PM  
Blogger butterstar said...

Watch out Pat, the Eskimo is here.

This blog IS genius.

9:04 PM  
Blogger bleedingisaac said...

I think you just jumped the shark.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

It just keeps better.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Hilarious

1:31 AM  
Blogger -jkg said...

haha. this waste time real good. yup. liking it. yup, indeed.

1:51 AM  
Blogger Dad22 said...

It's 11 AM EDT and no updates. I need my Pat O. Update!!!

7:54 AM  
Blogger ellen said...

your a fool

you are no genius and not funny

2:25 AM  

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