Predictably, the sight of Joaquin Phoenix dressed up as Nanook of the North has freaked out our resident Eskimo-phobe, Pat O'Brien.

"An Eskimo is upon us," he whispered to me during morning yoga. I've never seen him so stressed out. "Remember," he said, "you promised to protect me."

"He's just preparing for a role," I replied. "Don't think he's too much to worry about."

"Shh, bro. He'll hear you," Pat O'Brien warned. "Eskimos have the best sense of hearing in the animal world."

"But he's not really an Esk—"

"Come to think of it, that might be dolphins," he said. "I confuse Eskimos and dolphins sometimes. Dolphins hear well, too. I'm pretty sure of that. Anyway, it doesn't matter, from now on to be safe let's communicate in sign language."

"I don't know sign language," I said.

"Me neither," he said, "but deaf people can do it, so how hard can it be?"