Thursday, April 14, 2005

Pat O'Brien had another one of his bad Eskimo dreams last night. He knocked on my door around 3 am all shivery and breathless.

"I don't want to be an Eskimo," he told me.

"It was a dream, Pat," I said.

"I know, but still, I really don't want to be an Eskimo."

"Okay."

He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me dead in the eyes. "Promise me I'll never be an Eskimo," he said. His robe had come undone and I could see everything.

"I promise you will never be an Eskimo," I told him.

"Promise me that you'll protect me from Eskimos," he said.

"What?"

"Promise me that should an Eskimo ever try to abduct or molest me that you will protect me from them."

"Why would an Eskimo want to abduct or mol--"

"Never mind that!" he said. "Just promise me you won't let the Eskimos get me!" He was a crazy man.

"I promise to protect you from Eskimos, Pat," I said.

"Really?"

"Really."

Then he gave me a big hug. I could feel his scrotum against my thigh. "You're good people, A-Man," he said, "good people."

"Thank you," I said, carefully freeing my thigh from his scrotum.

"Oh, my bad," Pat O'Brien said, noticing. "Didn't mean to ugly bump you, bro."

"That's okay," I said, wanting to run away as far as I could.

"You gotta admit, though," Pat O'Brien said, looking down at his penis and testicles in admiration, "I'm like a Greek god down there."

12 Comments:

Blogger her_suziness said...

Eskimos, scrotums and empty promises. Yep, that what I thought rehab would be like.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Any word on Paula Abdul checking into your facility?

8:22 AM  
Blogger Pony said...

Charlie Sheen is on his way, right?

9:49 AM  
Blogger shari said...

Is this REALLY for real? Does Pat know? I thought at first it was true, then a joke, now I'm totally confused. Why haven't you said anything about Billy leaving?

10:46 AM  
Blogger jon said...

I can't believe some people think this is a joke. Anyone who's ever spent any time around the O Man knows that he really acts, talks, and is endowed like that. Be strong, "Adam"! Adversity builds character.

12:51 PM  
Blogger jezebel j. said...

i will be crushed if joaquin (sp?) phoenix doesn't make an appearance!

1:20 PM  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

My people in inuktutuk and kangiqsualujjuaq tell me that Pat has reason to fear.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Ben Allbright said...

I really dont know where the hell this comes from but its great...dont ever stop

11:20 PM  
Blogger CelebrityPics said...

please put up google adsense and start making money on this blog! it's the best blog ever and you can be making hundreds a month with google text ads on your blog

2:07 AM  
Blogger butterstar said...

ewww. O's scrotum.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I was eating lunch when I read this and promptly threw up at the mention of the O-man's scrotum. Thanks for cutting my calorie intake!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Kingypoo said...

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I have a great article resource you might want to check out.

11:33 AM  

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