It seems "Flo's" monkey assistant and Joaquin Phoenix have hit it off. They've been hanging out together a lot. Not sure what the connection is, other than they both smell like monkey assistant. Yesterday, I discovered them grooming each other. It was kind of disgusting.

"I find primates fascinating," Joaquin Phoenix told me, picking a dead gnat out of the monkey assistant's fur. He speaks as though every word out of his mouth is a precious nugget of truth. "They're like people, only different. How delightful!"

I'm worried that "Flo" isn't getting the required care from her monkey. Whatever that is. I've never actually seen him do much for "Flo" other than empty her drool cup and hiss at Pat O'Brien when he gets too close to her.

"I'm going to ask Bruckheimer if there is a part for the monkey assistant in the film," Joaquin Phoenix said.

"I don't think there are any monkeys in the Arctic," I said.

"Oh, I know that," he replied. "But perhaps he could play the part of a penguin or something. I think it would be fantastic if Nanook had a little penguin companion."

"Penguins don't live in the Arctic either," I said.

"I know that," he said. "Now please go away." He glared at me like he wanted to kickbox.

"They only live in the southern hemis-"

"Ufulubusaaqtuq, monkey assistant!" Joaquin ordered, and with that "Flo's" monkey assistant walked over to me and began humping my leg. I got the point and left.

I'm still finding dead gnats on my pants. Damn monkey assistant.